


Bite My Grey Oblong Ass

by essence_of_annoying



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Futurama
Genre: Alcohol, Aliens, Comedy, Electrocution, F/M, Gen, Glitches, Inspired by Be More Chill, Makeover, Mom's Friendly Robot Company, Slurm, Squips (Be More Chill), electroshock therapy, squips operate slightly differently in this verse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:02:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24550528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/essence_of_annoying/pseuds/essence_of_annoying
Summary: Everything about Fry is so terrible. But while visiting another planet, he discovers a special grey pill that could change his life for the better and make him a true 30th century man. Will this fix Fry's shortcomings and win over Leela, or is putting his friends- and the entire universe- onto a far more dangerous path?(Tags will be updated as chapters are uploaded.)
Relationships: Philip J. Fry & Bender Rodriguez, Philip J. Fry/Turanga Leela
Comments: 3
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> so i actually started writing this back in summer 2019, and it sat dormant for a long time because i didn't want to post it until finished. but i got a sizable chunk of chapters done. so i figured may as well post it now, and see if people want me to finish it!
> 
> note that squip lore is changed a bit to better fit the world of futurama. i really like this musical and this show, so i really wanted to combine them. this story is largely based on the beats of the musical, but hopefully there will be enough twists and changes to keep things surprising!
> 
> there's some scattered references to the BMC book and the musical here and there. you can probably spot them!

Leela stormed out of the Planet Express ship without looking back at her on-again, off-more-often boyfriend, who was currently covered in welts. She ignored Fry insisting, "I thought the anthill was where the Lilliputians lived! The map was confusing!" and just walked straight forward.

"Ah well," Bender shrugged, "at least I scored some of these tiny umbrellas." He held out one of the tiny umbrellas that he'd picked off the beaches of Lilliput 7, dropped it into his piña colada, and took a drink.

"I wish I still had my piña colada," Fry moped, "but I spilled most of it on the Lilliputians." He sunk lower. "And they didn't even have anything to keep them dry."

As the stressed-out trio plopped into their seats to cool down, Professor Farnsworth walked in shouting, "Good news, everyone! We have another delivery to make today!" leading to groans from the whole crew.

Farnsworth carefully placed several minuscule boxes on the table. Bender stared at them. "What is this, a delivery for ants?"

"What's in the box?" Leela asked. "Tiny apology letters for the people of Lilliput 7?" Fry plopped his head on the table, and groaned from a combination of embarrassment and pain from the ant bites.

"It's actually the components of a microscopic CPU," Farnsworth explained. "The construction planet of Vizzini 4 needs these for some secret project."

"What kind of project?" Amy asked.

"A secret one, you ninny!" Farnsworth snapped. "Even I don't know what they're making. All I know is that it's a computer prototype that requires these materials."

Hermes raised a finger. "You know, between the Lilliputian deliveries and now these shrimpy boxes, wouldn't it be easier to send out a drone or something, rather than waste fuel by transporting mere pounds of material on our gigantic spaceship?"

"That could cut down on human error," Leela pondered. Fry slumped further in his seat. Leela wasn't really letting go of this failed delivery.

The professor snickered. "There's far more where these came from!"

* * *

Leela silently piloted the ship towards Vizzini 4. Fry hung over the back of her chair, hoping she would acknowledge him, but she kept her eye on the galaxies before them. He tried to start conversation. "I'm so sorry, Leela, you know I try not to-"

"I know you try your best, Fry," she said, not averting her gaze. "And I do respect the moments when you can focus yourself and actually dedicate yourself to the mission. But you know how frustrating it is to have careful planning thwarted in mere seconds because you don't look before you leap."

"I was looking at the map," Fry said. "I couldn't look, and when I tried to leap, I dropped my drink and-"

Leela held one hand behind her towards Fry. "Enough of that. We have a new mission and I'd really prefer if you tried extra hard to not mess it up."

Dejected, Fry trudged back to his own station and sat down. He popped open a can of Slurm and took a swig that left the can half-empty. He knew he was a screw-up, but he knew there was good in him. He had talents. He could down an entire can of Slurm in mere seconds, he was a king at karaoke, and he could somersault backwards until he hit a wall. And he could do so many things for Leela when he had the time and energy and resources. He'd managed to impress her several times before, but rarely could he pull it off without some assistance- sandwich parasites, robot hands, whatever could take his body and use its full potential more than he ever could.

And she did like him for who he was, she said. He wasn't completely rejected, which was almost worse. He still had these moments of slipping up and lowering his status even further, as if everything they'd had didn't matter if he interfered with her efficiency as a captain. He was like a little kid who could just barely reach the cookie jar, but needed a stool, which is embarrassing but god you just really want those Thin Mints and your brother keeps trying to hoard them from you.

Fry finished the other half of the Slurm in another gulp and tossed the can aside, just barely missing the neatly-stacked boxes of micro-components. Bender saw Fry was down in the dumps, opened his stomach compartment and passed him another Slurm can. "Here," he said. "Human error's a bitch, from what I can tell, so I figured you needed something to distract you from your flaws."

Fry smiled. "Thanks, man." For all of Bender's selfishness- and sure enough he didn't offer to share the extra piña colada he then pulled out of his compartment- he knew how to pull Fry out of a slump. (He didn't always try to, but he knew how to.)

* * *

The ship landed on a grey little planet, on the unloading dock near one of MomCorp's many factories. The crew stepped out of the ship, Leela and Fry loading the machines out while Bender drank more piña colada. Leela kept her eye on Fry as he pushed and she pulled the cart, but they made it to the garage without much tragedy or fanfare. Leela nodded at Fry with a slight satisfied smirk, and a smile spread across his face. Unfortunately, as he was mentally priding himself on his work, he stopped paying attention to where he was pushing, pinning Leela into a large stack of metal crates.

Fry pulled the cart away and rushed to Leela’s side. “Oh my god, are you o-”

She grabbed his shirt collar as if to shut him up. “I’m fine,” she said, dusting herself off. “I appreciate your concern, though I don’t appreciate the incident that  _ warranted  _ it.”

“I’m so sorry, I really thought-”

“Watch out!” Leela interrupted him and pointed to the tower of crates, about to fall on their heads. Paralyzed with fear, the duo screamed and prepared for the worst, until they found themselves knocked on the floor, safely pushed out of the way of impending doom.

They lifted their heads to find their savior: a short, sturdy alien with a confident expression, standing above the dust, already mechanically putting the boxes back in their places. It was astounding.

“Wow, it’s like he’s not even human,” Fry said.

“I mean, he is an alien,” Leela reminded him.

“Yeah, he’s like if aliens could be robots or something.” Fry’s mouth was going faster than his brain again. 

He wished he was half as coordinated as that alien.

* * *

But regardless of near death, a business day was a business day, and they had to finish the delivery. They opened up some of the boxes and examined some of the pieces with a little magnifying glass. "Yep, this'll do," said the possibly-female coworker.

"Are you able to sign for it?" Leela held out a clipboard.

The worker nodded. Her coworker, Fry and Leela’s savior, had a pen out before she could turn her head. She smiled. "Salzo, you always have just what I need."

"Well, you do a great job receiving it, Rola," Salzo said coolly. Rola giggled and ran her long fingers down his chest.

Suddenly, Bender held his antenna and started groaning. "Man, I don't know if it's the coladas or the overwhelming sexual tension, but something around here's giving me a headache. I gotta find some Tylenoil." He ran off.

Salzo chuckled, a bit suspiciously. "Well, you know what they say in the nanocomputer business. If you can't take the heat, your heat sink is probably broken." The others didn't seem to get it, so Salzo laughed to himself for a short second before he suddenly jerked and shouted, as if something had just stabbed him in the neck. "Okay, not the best joke in the biz."

Rola shrugged it off, apparently used to this, and went off with Leela to do the paperwork. Fry stayed behind and looked at Salzo, nursing his mysterious pain. "Hey, are you okay? Did one of the crates hit you before?"

Salzo shook it off and smiled up at Fry. "I’m better than okay." He pointed off to Rola and Leela. "Don't tell anyone, but Rola and I are monkeytailing during our lunch breaks, and I've never felt more alive."

"Monkey......?"

"It's a Vizzinian expression for sexual intercourse. It's hard to explain to a foreigner." He looked around and motioned for Fry to lean in closer. "I noticed you're having some...issues with your female coworker."

"Leela?" Fry blushed. "I-I mean, maybe, but it's nothing I'm not used to."

"You remind me a lot of me, and how I used to be with my coworker, pre-monkeytail. A stuttering idiot trying desperately to please her and failing at every turn, frequently covered in ant bites."

Fry nodded at the spot-on description and covered his welts in self-consciousness. "I keep trying to impress her, but I keep messing up, and then it feels like we're back at square one. Like everything keeps happening before I’m ready.” He pointed up to the partially-toppled stack of crates in the garage. “You seem to have things together. Maybe even more than together. How do you do it?"

Salzo dug around in his parcel and pulled out a grey oblong pill. He held it out to Fry like it was a precious jewel. Fry stared at it in confusion. "Roids?"

"Not quite. It's our secret product, called a Squip." Salzo let Fry stifle a laugh at the silly name. "See, your annoyingly goofy, impulsively immature behavior is just what the Squip is programmed to amend." He held it closer to Fry's face. "Once you ingest this pill, it travels through your blood and implants in your brain, and directs you on how to be a cooler person."

Fry narrowed his eyes at the alien shilling this mystery pill. "I don't know. This sounds like the kind of thing Nancy Reagan told me to avoid."

"I'm telling you, it's not a drug. It's better. It's technological assistance. Like your robot friend, but it exists  _ only _ to help  _ you _ ." Salzo gestured at Rola and Leela, who were carefully examining their paperwork. "Once you take this, you'll climb the social ladder, be respected by all your peers- including your lady friend- and never make a fatal social error again."

Fry looked at Leela, and how intently she could focus on her work. He never wanted to disappoint her again. She deserved better than the person he currently was, and he wanted to learn to be better. He turned back to Salzo. "What's the cost?"

"We have plans to sell it on the mainstream market soon for six hundred dollars, but for you? I'll take four hundred, and a discount on our next delivery."

"Done," Fry said with little hesitation or mathematics, forking over the cash that he had on him.

Salzo dropped the pill into Fry's hands, and Fry prepared to swallow it dry, until Salzo lowered his hands. "No, no, no. Like all robots, it runs on alcohol. Wash it down with something nice and frothy, why don't you?"

Fry nodded and shoved the life-saving pill in his pocket, just as Leela and Rola returned to them. Bender returned as well, with a pack of beer in his arms. "Well, I didn't find any medicine, but I did find some more alcohol, so that's similar enough."

"We've had a busy day," Leela said. "Let's go home so we can rest for once." They boarded the ship, Fry waving and mouthing a thank-you to Salzo, before Salzo got taken aside by Rola for a special lunch break.

* * *

Once on the ship and in the air, Fry grabbed one of Bender's beer cans. "To a successful delivery, for a change!" Bender said, drink in the air.

"And to many more, hopefully." Fry clinked his can to Bender's, popped it open, and brought the little pill out of his pocket. He looked at it for a second. He hoped it wouldn't taste too bad. "Hey Leela," he called out in earnest, "want a sip?

Leela kept her eye glued to the windshield. "I'm flying the ship. Save it for when we land," she answered flatly.

"Oh, right, sorry, I just figured you needed to loosen up-"

"We can save the talk for later, too," she said, a little tenser. “Right now, I’m just trying to keep everything under control.”

Fry shrank in his seat. Bender clasped a cold metal hand on his hip, which was oddly reassuring, even if he was possibly just feeling around to see what else Fry had in his pocket.

A cargo ship cut Leela off, and she shouted an obscenity. Not too out of the ordinary for her, but whenever he'd messed things up, he always worried he added to her constant fury. All he wanted was to make things easier for her instead of harder.

He popped the pill in his mouth and took one of the most important sips of alcohol in his life.


	2. Chapter 2

Later that day, Fry lay on the couch in the employee lounge, watching TV and waiting for the Squip to turn on, but feeling like the same old Fry, no matter how many positions he sat in or how many channels he flipped to. What were cool positions to sit in, or cool channels to watch? Was he going to learn this soon? He looked at his arms. Would the Squip give him muscles? Or was he going to work for it?

He kind of hoped it would help him learn to work for it. He wanted to be better, if possible, not completely new.

Hermes walked through the doors and saw Fry flopped across the couch, staring at his arms. "I can see you're waiting for something to kick in," he said knowingly, "but the professor needs everyone to deliver some updates."

Fry carefully got off the couch, a bit disappointed and disoriented. Hermes helped him out the door to the main meeting room.

* * *

"Gooder news, everyone!" the professor exclaimed. "An advance order to Vizzini 4 was just placed! We'll be receiving the shipment of micro-components tomorrow, so we can deliver it as soon as possible." He gestured to another supply of tiny boxes. Fry looked at the boxes and thought about how parts just like those were allegedly operating inside him right now to change his life.

"A repeat customer?" Leela said in pleasant surprise. "That's new."

Hermes puzzled over the papers he had before him. "There's an issue with this order, though. They claim they don't have to pay for their shipping."

Uh oh. "A-actually, they paid for the next delivery in advance," Fry explained.

"That's not proper protocol," Hermes said. "Since when do you have the authority to approve something like that?"

"And why didn't you tell me about it?" Leela said with a death glare.

The Planet Express crew all stared at Fry as he stammered to find the best excuse, sweating bullets. Then suddenly he heard a strange voice. _ SOCIAL INCONVENIENCE DETECTED. _

Now the crew backed off, appalled, as Fry started violently convulsing in pain, shocks running down his body like his blood was on fire. "Sweet seizure of Indonesia!" Hermes cried. Leela considered reaching out to help but decided not to due to Fry's unpredictable jerking around. Amy looked ready to throw up, Zoidberg did throw up (twice, naturally) and Bender snapped a pic.

After a while, Fry settled down. Nothing on the outside was singed, so he brushed himself off and stood up with a confident smile. Then the voice returned.  _ DISCOMFORT LEVEL MAY INCREASE. _

He dropped to the floor screaming in pain again.  _ ACCESSING NEUROMEMORY.  _ He grabbed his throbbing head.  _ ACCESSING MUSCLE MEMORY. _ He scratched helplessly at his arms until his ant bites started bleeding.  _ ACCESS PROCEDURE COMPLETE. _

_ PHILIP J. FRY. WELCOME TO YOUR SUPER QUANTUM UNIT INTEL PROCESSOR. _

The voice settled down into something more familiar, but still imposing.

YOUR Squip.

A faded figure appeared before Fry, probably the only one who didn't care about his violent outburst. Before he could take a good look, Fry found himself standing upright, explaining the situation. "Sorry for the breach of protocol. The man who placed the delivery has a spending limit and can't pay the whole fee online so he had to give it to me in cash. He would have sent us the cash directly but his vending system has been jammed."

"Is the money in the vault?" Hermes asked, hands on his hips.

"Uhh.." Fry snapped into a perfect response again. "Yes I placed it there shortly after performing the transaction. Now if you excuse me I have to use the restroom."

With that, he darted off to the bathroom, and finally got a good look at the faded source of the voice.

* * *

"You look like my brother Yancy," Fry said, mouth agape.

_ "This was the default mode for you," _ the Squip said, sounding almost like Yancy but with less taunting, more lecturing.  _ "I can switch to a variety of other modes. Leonard Nimoy, Lucy Liu, Dr. Cahill..." _ Fry stared blankly.  _ "Dr. Goodandsexy," _ the Squip clarified. Fry got it then.

"I guess you can stay as my brother. It's still weird, but at least I feel like I know you. Plus, I don't want you to look like someone I'd end up attracted to." He shuddered to think of his bad luck with robosexual relationships, then looked at the Squip again and smiled. "It's nice to see you again, Yancy." He tried to hug the Squip, but instead his arms went straight through him.

_ "I am not Yancy. And I'm not a tangible figure you can touch, either. I only exist in your mind. And stand up straight, everyone out there's gonna think you're a lazy bum." _

Fry chuckled. "Now you sound like good old Yancy _Senior_."

The Squip shocked Fry again, knocking him against the bathroom wall.  _ "If you want to be more chill, you have to take me seriously, Philip." _

Fry got up and tried to stand up straighter, even though his back hurt a bit from hitting the wall. Yet in what felt like a flash, he no longer felt any pain there, or in any other area of his body. The Squip smiled coolly.  _ "There. I blocked off your pain receptors, so you're not distracted by any injuries brought on by previous failure." _

"Whoa." Fry pressed down on some of his ant bites, but didn't feel a thing. Part of him felt relieved, but the other part felt...weird, and dissociated from his own body. Like when he ate that bad sandwich and lost his autonomy to those parasites, or even when he ate that bad sandwich and lost his autonomy to his gag reflex. "So are you going to take control of my body? Cause I don't know if I wanna go through with this if that's the case. I like knowing what my body’s doing."

_ "If you play along, I won't have to." _ The Squip rested his hypothetical hand on Fry's shoulder.  _ "I'll do what I need to do to ease your life along, but most of the time, it'll come down to you choosing the right path. I'm just here to push you in the right direction. Give you a boost that most people don't get." _

"Like a cheat code?"

_ "Exactly. In fact, we should start working on your new path in life right now. Go to the medicine cabinet. We're going to fix your..."  _ He derisively waved his "hands" towards Fry's bite-covered body.  _ "Skin problems." _

Fry began to walk towards the cabinet, jolting upright when the Squip reminded him, "Watch your posture." He opened up the doors and stared at the array of creams and pills for a second, wondering what he was supposed to choose. He felt like Indiana Jones looking for the Holy Grail.  _ "Stop thinking about Indiana Jones and focus," _ the Squip barked, freaking Fry out.

After some deliberation, Fry figured the Squip wanted him to just cover the welts up, because they didn't actually hurt anymore so there was probably no need to try and cure them. He snagged some of Amy's makeup and smiled at the Squip for approval. It rolled its "eyes" at Fry's decision.  _ "Poor deduction. If you apply that makeup, nobody will believe it is your genuine skin tone except for the Professor and Zoidberg. You'll look like a discolored fool, both for your incompetence and the fact you chose a woman's brand of makeup." _

Already rubbing the fool's foundation on his face, Fry quickly took some toilet paper and wiped it off. The Squip pointed to its "face" to indicate to Fry that he still had smudges on his cheek, and said, " _ Wet the toilet paper and get it fully off. _ " Fry hastily obeyed.

"So what do you actually want me to do?" Fry asked, dabbing his face with wet toilet paper. "I thought you cured my bites, and just wanted me to cover them up."

" _ Things aren't always what they seem, Philip _ ," the Squip said. " _ Blocking off your pain is not the same as healing, though it is a handy alternative in a pinch _ ." It pointed to the cabinet. " _ However, there is some vanishing cream in there that will clear the bites from your skin immediately. But do not apply more than a dime-sized drop to each blemish _ ."

"See, I know that part," Fry said, digging through the cabinet. "Last time I had a zit, I went too heavy on the cream and had this hole in my head for a wee-AHH!" Fry cried as the contents of the cabinet fell on top of him. Something he'd moved in his quest for the vanishing cream must have acted as a weight-bearing load.

The Squip towered over Fry, covered in bottles of assorted creams, medicines, and oils. It shook its "head" in exhausted disapproval.  _ "We have a very long journey ahead of us. Let me get you out of this mess." _

Before Fry realized what was happening, he saw his hands move rapidly before him, putting all the medicine back in its rightful place. By the time Fry had regained autonomy, everything looked completely untouched- except Fry was holding the prized vanishing cream. He gawked in amazement at the Squip.

_ "I reached into your long-term memory to unlock the exact organizational structure of the medicine cabinet, then turned up your muscles and agility to maximum efficiency," _ the Squip bragged. 

Fry stared blankly. “Cool, I think.”

_ "All of this is in your brain; you humans just can't access most of this information and ability on your own. You're naturally inefficient, so it fizzles out. And your brain in particular is very complicated and prone to malfunction."  _

“Pssh, I know that better than anybody.” Fry began to cautiously smear some of the vanishing cream on his welts.

It flipped its "hair." _ "But with me, you'll never struggle again." _

"But we're a team, right?” Fry asked, dabbing the cream under his arm. “I want to learn to be cool, not just have you take over me all the time. I want the person Leela-" He cleared his throat. "the person that  _ everyone  _ sees me as to be the person I really am."

The Squip smiled almost paternally, a big difference from the figure that had been shocking and berating Fry for the past several minutes.  _ "Of course you'll learn to be cool, Philip." _ For the first time since they'd met, he crouched down to Fry's level.  _ "If you let me help you, when people see you, they'll be seeing the best possible version of you." _

Fry looked at his arm where he'd smeared the cream. No welts. Perfect skin. He and his Squip exchanged warm smiles.


	3. Chapter 3

The Squip cautiously led Fry out of the bathroom into the employee lounge, where Bender sat watching a rerun of All My Circuits. The television cut to commercial and Bender turned towards his pal. "Hey, meatbag. Sounds like you had a tough time in the bathroom."

"I was just, uh..."

_ "Reorganizing," _ the Squip hinted.

"Reorganizing...the medicine cabinet," Fry said confidently.

"That's cool. I thought about going in to check up on you, but I haven't seen this episode in a long time, and I wanted to wait ‘til commercial." He scanned Fry's body. "Did you change your skin or somethin'? All your weird little marks and oils are gone."

_ "Special skincare routine." _

"Special skincare routine."

"Eh, whatever. I’m sure you’ll get some cool new bruises soon enough." Bender offered Fry a beer with his extended arm.

_ "Take the beer," _ the Squip urged him,  _ "it'll relax you." _

It didn’t have to ask Fry twice. He grabbed the can, moved to the couch, clanked beers with Bender and took a swig. He swore that his Squip became a lot brighter and more refreshed after that. It still was pretty cold in telling Fry to sit up straight, though.

Bender rubbed his head in pain, like he had on Vizzini 4. "Aughhh, I'm getting another stupid headache." He drank another swig of beer, but his looks of pain didn't go away. "No, alcohol's not helping, I still feel f-f-fizzy." He stuttered on the last line, like a broken record.

"Anything I can do to-" The Squip shot Fry a stern look and shook its "head." Fry clammed up.

_ "We need to perfect your aesthetic as soon as possible. Tell your primitive bending unit you'll be back later. But keep your beer." _

"He's not primitive, he's my fr-OW!" Fry yelped from the shock and realized even the slightest insubordination would be useless. He sat up with his beer. "I gotta head out, Bender. I'll see you in a while."

"You don't wanna stuh-stuh-stuh-stick around and watch All My Circuits? Calculon just f-f-f-found another half-br-brother- and the second half is werewolf!"

Bender was still glitching out, and Fry wanted to stay, but his Squip loomed over him with the threat of shock. He wouldn’t be able to focus on the show if he were burnt to a crisp. "Later, I promise. Just stick around. Sorry. It's sort of an emergency."

* * *

It was an emergency alright- a fashion emergency. The Squip knew that Fry's 20th-century style could only pass for so long, and if he wanted to blend into the crowd for once, he needed a change. It sent Fry to Alien Overlord and Taylor's to buy the hottest fashion- which apparently involved a very tight red shirt and pants with a hip studded belt, and a white jacket with a high collar.

_ "The good news is, the 70's are back," _ the Squip detailed as Fry checked himself out in the dressing room.  _ "Unfortunately, it's the 2970's, so you're at a disadvantage with your outdated fashion. _ " It transported over to where Fry had laid his old clothes and stared at them like they were gum on the sidewalk.  _ "No rings, lame collar, bland colors...how have you gone so long with such laughable fashion?" _

"Usually I just try to ignore the laughter," Fry said, tugging on his fancy pants. “Or just turn it into a little song in my head.”

_ "You know, Philip, you're not really much to look at right now." _

“I know, that’s why I just look at everything else.” Fry’s pants fell down.

_“We’re trying to shape you into a new man who’s actually respectable. Not a repulsive relic from the Stupid Ages.”_ Now it was Fry’s face that fell. The Squip continued. _"But with a snappy fashion trend, people will_ _almost ignore your pasty face and chubby belly, now that you have something recognizable to distract from it."_

Fry was pretty curious what it was like to be considered fashionable and not ridiculously antiquel. He pulled the pants back on. Why fight it? Especially when he could get shocked again. The Squip pointed to the belt, which Fry quickly put on, because dropping your pants in public is distinctly uncool.

As Fry looked down at his tight pants, the Squip assured,  _ "As for any awkward biological concerns you may have, don't sweat it. I control where your blood flows." _ This sent a wave of relief over Fry. He quickly changed into his normal clothes and went to purchase the popping outfit. He threw the jacket on as he left the building, and already the people of New New York were looking at him a whole new way- like they wanted to ask him out, not call the cops on him.

Fry was ready to saunter back to Planet Express to finish up his shift, but his Squip gave him a non-literal shock by standing right in his face. "You can't go home just yet. We still have some things to acquire to increase the probability of your popularity."

"But I promised Bender I'd get back in time to hang with him."

_ "Once we get your life in order, you'll be able to make your own schedule. Until then, you have to listen to me." _

"See, there you go again, sounding like my dad-OW!" Fry rubbed his neck from the shock. "Okay, I'll go where you want me to go!"

* * *

And thus, Fry found himself purchasing an updated eyePhone 3.0, and an extra charger cable to boot. As Fry opened his wallet, he could practically see moths flying out. Granted, it was tricky to see with the screen in front of him, but the good news was the Squip blocked out any of the pain from inserting it into his eye. "I don't know how much more stuff I can buy, Squip. My bank account is drying up."

"Consumerism is a stepping stone of high social status. You get the latest gadgets, you connect with the highest people."

Fry shot a suspicious look at his Squip. "Aren’t you one of the latest gadgets?”

_ "I'm just saying that this is laying out the foundation for strong relationships in your future. And don't worry about your money. I have plans to help you with that as well."  _ The Squip gently rubbed Fry's shoulder, an oddly warming gesture after so much harsh criticism, especially with the projected image of Yancy Jr. It soothed Fry to know that he may actually be on the right track to finally fitting in for real.


	4. Chapter 4

Most of the Planet Express crew wasn't working too hard when Fry walked in, though Farnsworth was hunched over his desk. Amy snapped his back into place so he could continue to work on the huge hunk of metal in front of him. Fry wanted to talk to Bender, but couldn't seem to find him anywhere. He figured he could at least go talk to Leela, who was relaxing with a book at the conference table, and apologize formally for his crappy behavior earlier. He wasn't given such an option, though, as his Squip directed him towards the scientist team. "Hey, professor. Hey, Amy," Fry asked with a friendly wave, his chest puffed out in manufactured confidence. "What're you working on?"

Farnsworth handed Amy a scoop and a plastic bag and waved her away to the corner, much to her apparent dismay. "Well, with tax season coming up, I figured this would be the best time to work on my emergency escape vehicle." The geriatric scientist knocked on the steel hunk, which Fry now saw had a glass windshield and a half-finished engine. It sort of resembled the Planet Express ship, but with only enough room for one person, and without a cool paint job.

Fry then asked, at his Squip's request, something he rarely asked when faced with complex engineering- "Do you need any help?" He had no idea why he needed to ask, unless there was some menial task unrelated to the technical science he could do.

Farnsworth shook his head. "Not much. Oh!" He grabbed another bag and scooper for Fry. "Unless you want to assist Amy in collecting owl pellets. I'm trying out alternative fuel sources." Fry took the scooper and turned towards Amy, who was in the corner enduring the menial task of scooping owl poop. "Make sure you get _all_ of it!" the professor demanded. "I ruined one of my good slippers earlier because some damn pellets were left on the floor." They'd had a big owl problem ever since a couple had followed Fry onto the ship after a delivery to an avian reservation planet, trying to get a hold of his new pet mice, may they rest in peace.

"Sorry," Amy said with some shame. "I was a bit distracted." She pressed the side of her eye. Apparently, she, too, owned a coveted eyePhone 3.0. "But I thought Scruffy was supposed to deal with that? Or Zoidberg could just vacuum it up with his mouth?"

"As long as we use owl pellets as experimental matter, cleaning up feces is _science,_ not janitorial duties. Therefore, it falls under your job description." He pointed sternly at Amy. "So don't miss!"

Fry felt pretty lousy watching Amy stuck on the floor like that, and he was totally willing to help her himself, but the Squip stopped him in his tracks. Suddenly, Fry's eyePhone turned on and he has a whole bevy of information in front of him, with words and images flashing by about carbonation and sugar and slugs and propellants. The dizzying images were clearly meant to drop some hints for Fry, but all the information was just overwhelming, and the words seemed to blend together.

"Oh, sure, ignore me and just play with your schmancy new phone, why don't you," Farnsworth said, not realizing it was more like the phone was playing Fry.

"No, no, I'm just, uh, looking some things up to...help you?" Fry awkwardly smiled at Farnsworth before remembering to stand up taller and make himself look beefy. He tried to breathe in and puff his chest out more, but the lack of oxygen from holding his breath combined with his disoriented mind caused him to fall to the ground again. Amy ran over in concern, leaving the pellet bag behind. "Shmeeze, good thing I cleaned up that part of the floor."

She offered him a hand, but Fry was staring off into space. Or at least it looked like he was to the untrained eye.

 _"Use Slurm,"_ the Squip said.

"What?" asked Fry, his head pounding.

The Squip didn't care to block off the head pain; as far as it was concerned, Fry deserved to suffer for his foolishness. _"I ran through the Internet and decided the most beneficial source of fuel that the Professor could use is Slurm brand soda."_ It pointed to Fry's eyePhone. _"I kept dropping hints with the scientific articles and charts, to involve you in the experience, but you completely flopped."_

"I couldn't make out anything on the pages!" Fry cried in helpless self-defense.

Amy, assuming the defense was directed towards her, gave him a puzzled look. "Well, then don't change tabs so quickly next time." She opened her own eyePhone and scrolled down at a reasonable pace. "You don't want to damage your brain any worse."

The Squip rolled its "eyes." _"Don't talk to me out loud. I am not real. You look like you're talking to yourself at best, and at worst you'll say something to someone else that'll be incredibly humiliating."_

"I wouldn't want to do that," Fry responded. The Squip simulated a facepalm. Amy smiled, assuming it was a response to her, despite Fry not making eye contact.

_"You can talk to me with your thoughts instead."_

_Really?_ Fry thought, and delighted seeing his Squip nod. _Cool, it's just like-_

_"No, it is NOT like X-Men. Cut the useless nerd crap out of your life, and start learnin the nerd crap that has some societal use. Just tell them about the alternate fuel."_

"Hey, Professor..." Fry stood up. "What if instead of forcing Amy to collect bird poo, we try another form of fuel?"

"Oh, yeah?" Farnsworth crossed his arms. "And what could possibly be a better idea for new fuel sources?"

"Have you ever thought about using Slurm?" Fry repeated nearly everything the Squip was whispering into his ear. "There have been studies that hint at the notion that the core ingredient of Slurm can provide cleaner energy which, upon excretion, is absorbed into the dirt and broken down into nutrients for plants. The sugar can be monopolized- uh, metabolized- in a certain type of engine, much like how it provides energy for the human body." He pointed in the direction of the fridge. "Plus we have a heavy supply of Slurm in the fridge for usage."

Amy stared at Fry incredulously. Fry smiled back at her in slightly confused pride.

Farnsworth rubbed his chin. "Hmm...that sounds ludicrous." He grinned. "So ludicrous, I just have to see if it works! I'll head off to the fridge to get the stuff." He patted the prototype ship and looked at his intern. "Amy, keep an eye on this hunk of junk. I'll modify it further once I get back."

The professor hobbled off towards the kitchen, noticably wearing only one slipper. Fry smiled, but then realized something. _Hey, wait,_ he thought towards his Squip. _What am I supposed to drink with my dinner if the professor uses all the Slurm on this thing?_

The Squip patted Fry's shoulder and gave a light chuckle. _"Something healthier. Or at least more adult."_ It counted on its "fingers": _"Water, milk, wine, beer, margarita..."_

 _I guess I could just get some cheap beer_ , Fry shrugged.

_"Attaboy. And maybe try for something more gourmet than the microwave burrito you were planning."_

_Aw, but I've been saving that for a special night,_ Fry thought with a frown.

 _"You need to make a lot of progress as soon as possible, Philip. Make yourself look less like a child and more like a model man."_ The Squip turned Fry's body seventy degrees towards Amy, desperately ruffling through her bag. _"Thankfully, here's someone who can make a real man out of you."_

Without warning, Fry found his hand shoved in his pocket for the first time in ages, only to pull out the eyePhone 3.0 charger that he hadn't even used yet himself. He was then made to walk mechanically over to Amy, hand outstretched so he could present the charger to her.

She smiled. "Wow, thanks, Fry! How'd you know my battery was dying?"

Fry shrugged. "Institution?" A shock made him yelp. "Intuition! That's the word I meant."

Preoccupied with her devices, Amy didn't seem bothered by his faux pas. She plugged the cord into a nearby socket, then plugged the skinny cable into the corner of her eye. It made Fry squeamish, but his Squip showed no concern, strongly approving of this technology and lacking a body to feel sympathy pains. "I have no idea where I placed my charger," Amy admitted. "I guess that's another five hundred down the drain." She lowered her head onto the table and scrolled down on her eyePhone. "Oh well. I can get a new one later."

The Squip pointed to the empty chair next to Amy. Fry sat down next to her. Remembering what the Squip had said about consumerism and connections, he opened his own new eyePhone. Amy smiled. "Oh, schweet! You have one too?"

"Yeah," Fry said, "just got it this afternoon."

"I've had mine for a couple days, but nobody seemed to notice. I thought I was the only one on the crew who cared to get one, or could afford to."

"To be honest, I hadn't even thought to get one until-" He jerked and switched into a robotic Squipped state. "I saw how great you looked with one."

Amy lifted her head and smiled. "That's really sweet, Fry. I didn't think anybody noticed." She looked him over and seemed to only just now register his change of wardrobe. "And your new clothes! Alien Overlord and Taylor's, right?" Fry nodded. Amy unzipped her jacket and presented a red top underneath that was very similar to Fry's. The Squip nudged Fry and smiled, though Fry was distracted by the fact Amy's shirt was as tight as his own.

Luckily, Amy zipped her jacket back up before Fry's mind went totally blank. "I've been relegated to helping the Professor so much lately with this stupid escape rocket, but it's not like he ever wants to talk with me. He just wants me to do all the grunt work and yells at me when I mess up."

Fry nodded. "He puts a lot of work on me, too. And I'm his uncle!"

"Yeah, but it's like, I'm not even doing this to get paid, you know?" She brushed her hair to the side." I just really like feeling involved in scientific progress. But ever since I got my degree, I feel he's just pushing me aside all the time and not really letting me learn anything." She flopped back in her seat. "So I'm always so _bored_ during work now." She aimlessly clicked around on her holographic device. "So I figured I may as well upgrade my eyePhone and use it to pass the time. Maybe I can do research on some _actual_ cool science."

"You have time," Fry smirked. "I think he got lost on his way to the kitchen."

This made Amy chuckle, but she still seemed a bit out of it. "Yeah. I can't get too distracted, though." She looked towards the kitchen. "I like hanging around here. It's better than going home."

The Squip's voice hummed in Fry's ear. _"You may not realize, but Amy really is quite the insecure person."_ The image of Yancy Jr. circled around the poor little rich girl, hypnotized by her expensive ocular doohickey. _"Always trying to prove herself to the Professor, but bogged down by her shallow exterior and her restrictive upbringing. Desperate to avoid returning to her problematic home, but still condescended everywhere she goes."_ Hologram and human watched Amy yelp as her eyePhone charger was yanked out of her eye, due to her turning her head further than the compact 18-inch cable would allow. _"Much like you, she doesn't quite understand responsibility or proper planning. So while people may like her, they don't quite respect her."_

 _Yeah. I keep forgetting money doesn't solve all your problems,_ Fry thought. He did relate to Amy a lot, and she was a cool friend, but hadn't really thought about her since they broke up years ago. Nevertheless, she _was_ a part of his life, and miraculously, she had feelings just like him.

_"Give her some...comfort, why don't you."_

Finally, something Fry would have wanted to do even without the Squip's command. But he wasn't quite sure how, or if, he could help her, or if whatever he said would make it worse. He did have that habit of speaking before thinking. So he thought before he spoke, by think-speaking to the Squip, _How exactly do I help?_

_"Touch her hand."_

Fry cautiously dropped his hand on Amy's hand. She turned and gave a little smile before turning back to the video she was watching, some interview with a chiseled doctor. Then he didn't know how to proceed, so he just let his hand sit on hers, getting sweaty. 

Their budding connection was interrupted by the professor shouting from the kitchen, "Amy! Help me carry these blasted 12-packs of soda to the lab! It's a matter of science!"

Amy sighed and retreated to the kitchen, leaving Fry alone and unsure of how to proceed. He looked to the conference table. Leela was almost done with her book. This time, Fry saw her eye move up towards him, but then retreat without a second thought. 

The Squip patted Fry on the back. _“We’ll work more on syncing with Amy later. I think she could be a great asset to your goal.”_

 _What does Amy’s asset have to do with me getting Leela’s?_ Fry asked mentally. _And what do you mean “syncing” with her?_

_"The statistics prove that strengthening your bond with Amy should come before doing so with Leela. Amy has strong connections of her own, social status, conventional beauty- many things people appreciate that YOU need to acquire."_

_But Leela's beautiful! And Leela has social status, I think. She's a great pilot, and...she has a membership at BJ's._

The Squip sighed and pinched the bridge of its "nose." The resemblance to his older brother was starting to make Fry more uncomfortable, but it felt too late to ask for a change. _“I am not denying that you perceive Leela as more attractive than Amy. It’s just a matter of social climbing.”_

Fry crossed his arms. _But_ _I want to talk to Leela._

The Squip squinted at Leela at the table, and after processing the probabilities, gave a gentle nod. _"But it's best if you sit to her left, and angle your body about fifty two degrees. But keep eye contact with her. And don't interrupt her until she's completely done with her book. She's in a zone right now."_

 _Yeah. She loves her zones,_ Fry said. The tidbit about Leela's personality was the only thing he really understood in those instructions.

_"Just play it cool."_

Fry then strode over to the conference table, shoulders back, standing straight, smiling despite his nervousness. 

On his way there, he nearly got knocked over by Zoidberg, who was sniffing his way to the lab area. "Something smells of partially digested rodent!" the lobster exclaimed on his way to where Amy had been cleaning up.

Once seated at the table, the Squip took his legs and fixed them in the appropriate position. It then turned on his eyePhone- angled so the light wouldn't distract Leela- so Fry had something to focus on until Leela got to the last page. Eventually she placed her book down on her lap and looked at her sorta-boyfriend, twiddling his thumbs and reading trivia about space slugs. For the first time all day, she smiled, glad that he had respected her space instead of trying to barge in and start conversation. "Hey," she said. "Nice outfit. Sleek and clean looks good on you."

"Oh, hey, Leela! I, uh, barely saw you there," Fry said coolly, leaning back in phony confidence, popping his collar to emphasize his new look. The Squip groaned and reminded Fry to stay in the proper position in his seat- with a tiny shock.

The cyclops tilted her head in concern. "What's the matter? Ant bites still hurt?"

"No- I mean, yeah, that's it," Fry stumbled and rubbed his arm. The bites were gone, but remembering his screw-up almost made them hurt again. "I really am sorry about tripping earlier and ruining the delivery. And then almost getting you crushed under a bunch of boxes." He looked at her lap, avoiding eye contact. He caught a glimpse of her book cover. Something about talented hogs. Probably cooler than space slugs.

Leela held up a hand. "It's fine, it's over now. It was uncoordinated and stupid as hell, but hey, I don’t expect perfection from this team. I have to be prepared to avoid death every second on the job." Somehow this made Fry feel worse.

She glanced over at Zoidberg sucking the floor like a catfish, at Farnsworth struggling with the six-pack of Slurm, and at Scruffy sleeping on the couch. Hermes was presumably in his office, hopefully doing something responsible, and Bender was nowhere in sight, presumably going out of his way to _not_ be responsible. "I worry that we've been falling behind a lot lately," she continued. "Between the crap that we come across on our missions, and the _literal_ crap I have to avoid stepping in back here, things seem to be falling apart and reflecting badly on our team."

"I mean, we don't have a great reputation anyway, so all we can go is up, right?" Fry asked, projecting his own feelings a bit.

"I guess that's one way to look at it," Leela agreed.

"Trust me, Leela." Fry put his hand over his heart and spoke with determination. "Things are gonna change for the better, even if they have to start with me."

Leela did not seem convinced. "You say that constantly, but then you end up right back into your old, clueless ways. I love you, Fry, but it's really, _really_ frustrating to see you constantly lose focus and make the wrong decision. You hold yourself back, and that holds the crew back, and that holds _me_ back, which also holds the crew back, and then nobody gets to move forward."

Fry looked over Leela's shoulder at his Squip nodding along to Leela's harsh truths. He wanted to scratch his ant bites again; they seemed extra present now. Amy didn't notice them, but Leela knew them. She knew every single one of his faults. If he could erase all of his mistakes from her head, what would she be left with to remember?

He was about to pick at his bites from his nerves, but the Squip narrowed his eyes, which seemed to glow, at Fry, and that was all the reminder Fry needed. It held its "hands" out, like it wanted Fry to do something. Fry didn't have much time to figure it out once Leela saw him staring into the void for too long and asked, "Did you hear what I said?"

Snapping back into reality, Fry began to explain himself. Leela deserved the truth, to know that he was trying his best, even if he needed a little help. "I have to be honest, Leela. On our last delivery, while you were doing stuff with that clipboard, I got this-"

_"Stand up, turn around!"_

"Huh?" Fry's body snapped up and turned around. He was mere inches away from Amy, who was falling forwards, the pack of Slurm she was carrying now on a trajectory towards Leela's head. The cyclops was already in an instinctive position to smack the sodas back with a well-aimed kick, but when she looked over her knee, she saw Fry, miraculously, holding the heavy pack with just his one hand. Confusingly, she also saw Amy nestled in his other arm. 

Behind them, Zoidberg ripped his head up from suckling the floor. "Sorry for the inconvenience," he said to Amy, whose path he had laid in. "This particular spot on the floor was full of delicious scraps and pellets."

Amy wiggled out of Fry's grip with an embarrassed smile. "Thanks for catching me, Fry. I guess I wasn't looking where-"

"Amy!" Professor Farnsworth barked behind her. "Now that Slurm is scientifically beneficial, we can't afford to be clumsy with it!" He walked right over of Zoidberg's body, not hearing Zoidberg's pained groans. "Watch where you're walking next time!"

With speed and some shame, Amy took the pack of cans back from Fry and scrambled to follow the professor back to the lab. Fry watched her go, her head held low. The Squip touched his shoulder in faux sympathy. _"Poor, klutzy human. Kind of like you would still be, if you didn't have my help."_ The hints were clear, but once _Leela's_ hand was on his shoulder, Fry’s thought process just stopped.

"Nice catch," she said, standing behind him. She was finally smiling at him- not a wide smile, but subtle appreciation for his casual heroism.

"Oh- yeah, I guess so." Fry shoved his hands in his pockets, then immediately picked them up so he could stand straight again. "I didn't want you to get a concussion. Or if one of those cans got opened, for you to get slime all over your clothes."

"That's very considerate. I'm just impressed you managed to not get yourself hurt this time. Usually when you take a jump for me, you end up in the hospital."

Fry stretched his arms seductively. "I've been strengthening my muscles." He suddenly remembered what he was trying to tell her before. "And I've been using this-" He nearly choked on his own words. A glance behind him proved the Squip was behind his muteness.

_"Now isn't the time to tell her."_

_But I don't want to lie to her,_ Fry thought. He looked back at Leela and sheepishly smiled, but kept thinking towards his supercomputer.

_"If you tell her now, she'll feel cheated and lied to. Which you aren’t doing, because you will tell her at a later, more ideal date.”_

_It's just...what if_ _she gets the wrong idea about who I am, and what I'm doing?_

_"There is no wrong idea. I promise it's all coming from you- I just speed the process along. You are becoming a new man. Fry 2.0, if you will."_

Fry looked at his hands, which, with the Squip's flawless control over his muscles, had saved Leela from a giant pack of soda. Yeah, she probably could have done it herself with her incredible reflexes, but that was the first time in a long while he'd ever appeared to be on her level. 

_I guess I will._

"Did you have something to say, Fry?" Leela cocked her head in curious concern.

"Uh..." He looked around the room, nervous. He spotted a spare Slurm can that Amy must've dropped, so he picked it up. "I guess not." He scratched the back of his head. "Just that...I'm sorry for being so pathetic all the time. And I hope I can be a better person for you."

Leela smiled, this time more genuinely. "It's not that _you're_ not pathetic. You just do a lot of things that are pathetic."

 _"That's the same thing,"_ the Squip sneered.

Fry chuckled and tried not to sulk. "Yeah."

"It's getting late. We have to get to Vizzini 4 early tomorrow." She started walking to her locker, and Fry naturally followed her there.

"Yeah, we gotta get some sleep so the mission will go off without a hitch. Or a glitch," Fry said, winking at his Squip.

Leela squinted in confusion. "I don't get it."

"It's an inside joke." Fry pointed at his head. "Inside my brain."

The Squip groaned at Fry's natural dorkiness. It distracted Leela by having Fry open his locker without looking at the combination. She just gave a small impressed nod. The Squip seemed relieved. _"Ask to walk her home,"_ it nudged Fry.

Leela's radiant confidence just putting on her jacket had Fry blushing. Plus, his new jacket was pretty hot not just in style, but in temperature, especially after running around. He needed a drink. Thankfully, the Slurm in his hand was still pretty cold.

_"Philip, I gave you a command."_

_But I'm so thirsty. What if you get overheated or something?_

_"I’ve been keeping your body temperature regulated to the best of my ability. If you wait, we can get you some water or a cold beer. Not that junk."_ It harshly jerked Fry's arm away so he couldn't pop open the top.

Overpowered by thirst, Fry stretched his other arm out towards the top. _Can't I just make this one decision by myself? You already messed up with Amy!_

_"Philip, just trust me. Do not open that can."_

However, Fry needed to feel in control for just a second, so he opened the can anyway. As a result of being dropped and thrown around so much, the soda spurted out the top like a carbonated volcano, all over Fry's nice new clothes. He yelled and fell back onto the floor. Leela turned around to see him pathetically sprawled on the ground, covered in flavored slime. The soda had even washed off the vanishing cream on part of his arm, showing off his unsightly ant bites as a further reminder of his failure.

Fry stood up, stumbling a bit. "So, uh, mind if I walk you home tonight?" He took a cool sip of his cursed drink.

Unblinking, Leela simply said, "I think I'd be better off walking alone." Fry slumped down. Even his Squip seemed humiliated, fizzling in front of him, unable to speak.

His emotions went from depressed to startled when a cold metal hand grabbed Fry by the collar. The hand pulled him towards its owner, Bender.

"Where the hell have _you_ been all day?!" Bender shouted. At least he didn't sound all glitchy this time.

"Bender? Where have _you_ been?"

"You can't play dumb with _me!_ I'm the expert on your dumbness!" Bender threw Fry on the ground and pointed accusingly at him. "You said you'd hang out with me later, and for me to stay put until you did! Well, guess what? I never left the couch for a second, but you never came back!" 

Oh, crap. Fry had completely forgotten he'd said that. "On the bright side, at least you didn't do any work?"

"You know I wasn't gonna do work anyway!" Bender started pacing. Leela awkwardly backed out of the room, away from the confrontation. "But I had nobody to hear my perfectly-crafted criticisms of the modern state of _All My Circuits_ ! I tried to get Hermes to listen in, but _noooo_ , he said he had to work on our 'taxes.'" He added some derivative finger-quotes. "You're the only one who has his priorities straight here, Fry! Plus, you're not strong enough to wiggle out of my grip."

"I'm sorry, Bender," Fry said genuinely. "I swear, it slipped my mind. I'll make it up to you. We can stream _All My Circuits_ at home tonight."

Bender scowled at Fry. "I'm still mad at you." His expression suddenly changed into a happy one. "But I'll take you up on your offer anyway." He scooped Fry up in his arms. "Come on! I got a lot of profanities and beer bottles waiting to be hurled at the screen!"

As Bender carried him out of the building, Fry looked behind to see Leela hadn't bothered to wait around for him. And really, Fry couldn't blame her. He wasn't Fry 2.0 just yet. His system was full of bugs.


	5. Chapter 5

The two guys chilled on the couch, Fry almost feeling like himself again. He wasn't quite sure if that was a good thing, but it felt good at the moment.

Bender pulled a beer out of his stomach compartment and handed it to Fry. "Here," he said. "I kept one cold for you. Granted, I had to steal it ten minutes ago from some dude outside a 7/11 because I drank the first three I kept cold for you, but it's still cold."

Dang, Bender was confidently sneaky. Fry hadn't even noticed they had passed a 7/11. "Thanks." He popped the cap off and drank it with Bender. Fry quickly turned to the streaming service that currently carried  _ All My Circuits. _ How weird, Fry usually lost track of which service it was on…

Oh, crap, the Squip wasn’t off just yet. But Fry realized that it had never said he couldn’t tell  _ Bender _ about his situation. “Hey, Bender, before we start the show, can we talk?”

“Come on, Fry, you know we watch this show so I don’t have to listen to you,” Bender said, downing his drink. 

“Well, when we went to Vizzini 4, I talked to one of the workers-”

“Why would you do that?” Bender burped a fiery burp.

Fry twiddled his fingers, worried Bender wouldn’t listen. “He offered me this pill. This tiny supercomputer thingy. And I ate it, and drank some beer, and now it’s in my brain and it tells me what to do.”

Bender turned around. “I heard ‘supercomputer’ and ‘beer.’ I like the sound of that. Can you repeat what you said, but in a shorter sentence so I don’t have to listen as long?”

“Basically there’s a tiny computer in my brain called a Squip that helps me be cool.”

A stream of alcohol spurted from Bender’s mouth all over Fry’s sleep shirt, the second- maybe third?- time Fry had had his clothes stained that day. “You have a computer in your brain?? Do you know what that means??”

Fry shrugged. “Only kind of.”

“Fry!” Bender grabbed the human’s shoulders in excitement. “You got a mainframe, man! Your simple meat brain has finally been upgraded to something of quality!” He wrapped his arms around Fry in an endearing but painful matter. “You still got that adorably fragile flesh.” He let the wheezy human go. “But maybe now you can understand what it’s like to be a superior being.”

“Yeah, that’s the plan! I’m gonna be cool!” Fry affirmed. Funny how similar Bender sounded to the Squip. Maybe that meant the Squip really was a cool dude. 

“Well, there’s nothing cooler than spending time with me, Bender.” He laid back with the remote. “So we may as well- _ gah!”  _ Suddenly, Bender dropped the remote. "Owww, stupid headache!" He banged his head, only making him yowl in pain more.

"Again?" Fry asked, sitting up.

"Yeah, it keeps happening today. I've taken Tylenoil, Metaleve, and a shiny metal aspirin. Not a single st-stupid pain med has helped!" Bender slapped his face. "And it's af-affecting my sexy gravelly v-v-voice too!" He stood up the couch in fury and staggered into his small little room. "F-F-Forget it! I c-can't enjoy myself like this. I'm going to b-bed!"

Fry watched his best friend in pain and called out, "Bender!" 

All Bender responded with was, "Be quiet! I'm suffering!"

The human slumped on the couch, once again feeling useless. So he figured he may as well just watch some soap operas.

It was an older episode, where Calculon discovers his mistress was cheating on him with another robot. "How  _ could  _ you???" the drama-bot lamented. "I thought I knew you!"

"Well, Calculon,  _ do you ever know anybody?" _ The alluring fembot's voice suddenly slipped into something resembling Yancy Jr's, which Fry knew far too well.

The television flickered, and switched from the television show to an image of Fry's Squip.  _ "Hello, Philip." _

"Oh, hey." Fry gulped. Since nobody was around and Bender was shut down for the night, he figured he could talk out loud. "Are you still in my head, or is this just targeted advertising?"

_ "No, Philip. I can infiltrate anything powered by electricity within a fifteen-foot radius of your brain."  _ With a snap of his fingers, he turned on the lights. Fry covered himself with the blanket, a bit spooked.  _ "I figured maybe if you saw me on a television, you would take me more seriously." _

"I do pay more attention to people on TV," Fry admitted.

_ "You made some grave mistakes tonight, Philip. For one, you refused to take my instructions, and lost your chance to spend a night with the girl of your dreams. All because you had to ruin your body and your clothes with some junk drink.” _

“I just wanted to enjoy myself,” Fry pleaded. “Is that too much to ask?”

_ “Has enjoying yourself ever gotten you anywhere?”  _ the Squip snapped. 

“It’s gotten me...happy?”

_ “Your poor priorities have left you lazy, clumsy, unsuccessful, full of every possible mistake a human can have. Even when you’ve gotten close, like with your on-and-off romantic partner, you still fail to hit the normal milestones of human success. _ ” The Squip projected a scanned image of a small brain onto the television screen. “ _ I can see inside your brain and it is a disorganized mess.” _

Fry covered his face with the blanket, but somehow the Squip still appeared before his eyes.  _ “And you can’t avoid me. You should not avoid me. Every piece of advice I give you comes from a desire to make you a perfectly functioning individual, which is bound to take some time.” _

The Squip turned on the television again and displayed a map to a little grey planet.  _ “Tomorrow you will return to Vizzini 4.”  _ It displayed images of Fry and Amy’s faces.  _ “Bring Amy Wong along, and she can receive her own Squip.”  _ A green line appeared between the projected images of Fry and Amy, symbolizing a mental link.  _ “You will be synced up and never have an awkward moment again. And then she will never again make a clumsy mistake that could endanger those around her.” _

Fry mulled this proposition over. On the one hand, the Squip was kind of a jerk, and extremely scary and painful, and not always perfectly accurate. On the other hand, it blocked out Fry's pain and opened up his worldview. Would he be willing to subject Amy to all the horrible stuff he had to hear? Or maybe she wouldn't hear the same things.

Maybe it was only this mean to him because he was a special kind of screw-up. Sure, Amy was insecure, and a little flighty, but surely it wouldn't be as hard on her as it was on him. She had a degree, and a steady fon fon ru, and a good sense of hygiene. People liked her, but they didn’t really respect her, but Fry wasn't always sure if most people liked  _ or _ respected _ him _ . 

The Squip turned the television off and rose Fry up from the couch.  _ “It’s a big decision, I know. You should sleep on it.”  _

Fry retreated to his bedroom, alone with just the little voice in his head. The Squip controlled Fry’s arms so he could tuck himself into bed. “Good night, Squip,” he said, unsure if that sort of politeness was required. 

_ “Good night, Philip.”  _ It seemed to touch his forehead tenderly, as if it understood Fry’s anxiety and was willing to soothe it.

And with that, the Squip was off for the night. And all of the muscle pain it had kept under wraps hit Fry like a truck. He screamed bloody murder. “Shut up!” Bender yelled from afar.


	6. Chapter 6

The next morning, Fry awoke, not quite rested, unsure if the previous night had happened. But before he could roll over, or maybe fondle himself to sleep a bit, a familiar electrocuting pain struck him in the neck. 

_ “Sit up, Fry.”  _ The Squip leered at its client, apparently turning on with Fry’s brain.  _ “If you fall asleep now, you’ll sleep for another two hours and ruin everything we’ve set up for.” _

Fry glanced at his eyePhone clock. “I still have an hour before work. Can’t I just sleep for another fifty minutes and sprint?” The Squip shook its “head” in denial. Fry slipped a hand under his covers. “Can I just- _OW!_ ” This shock hurt even more than the last.

_ “You definitely can’t masturbate either.” _

“Then how am I supposed to-  _ oh. _ ” He looked down with a mix of relief and disappointment. “That’s conveniently anticlimactic.”

_ “Remember, Philip, I have total control over your nervous system.” _

“Oh, yeah. That makes sense. Being electrocuted constantly does make me pretty nervous.” 

Sure enough, when the Squip glared at him, Fry flinched and held his arms up, as if that could defend him from the force within.  _ “If you don’t want me to punish you, you just have to listen to me, remember?”  _ Fry nodded. The Squip reassured him with a simulated pat on the head. “ _ Good boy.” _

Despite making him get up early, the Squip made Fry’s morning routine considerably quicker and more efficient. It even helped Fry get those awful stains out of his clothes using a quick homemade remedy of baking soda and nanobots.

Once Fry was dressed to the nines in his ridiculously trendy new outfit, the Squip led him out the door.  _ “Now, we need to pick a few things up before work…” _

* * *

The doors to Planet Express slid open, as Fry carried some shopping bags inside with minimal effort. Leela and a sleeping Farnsworth were the only ones at the conference table. Leela was idly playing with her wristband, but looked up when she heard Fry come in. “What brings you here so early?” she asked.

“I woke up early,” he said honestly. He dropped the bags on the table, somehow not waking the professor. Fry sifted through the grocery bag and pulled out a little plush pig. He handed the toy to Leela. “I got this for you. I thought it’d help with the stress.” Truth be told, Leela was the first one he had sought out a gift for when the Squip directed him to the mall, and he  _ had  _ wanted to get her something soft and huggable to soothe her, whenever she didn’t want to hug  _ his  _ soft body. All the Squip did was jolt his memory, so he knew which animal to get.

Leela looked at the little toy, cautiously petted it, and grinned. “Thanks, Fry. It’s really sweet you thought of me.” She grasped the toy firmly. It let out a squeak that  _ did  _ wake the old professor up. 

Upon his rude awakening, Farnsworth smacked Leela’s new plush to the ground. He looked around the room. “What am I? Where time is it?”

Suddenly, Bender burst through the doors. “Alright, I made it!” He let the door slam Amy, who was coming in behind him, in the face, and walked up next to Fry. “Can’t start without your favorite robot on the premises.” He rested an arm on the table and poked Fry in the nose. “Though we may soon have  _ other _ robots in our midst who are almost half as good.”

“Bender,” Fry whispered to the showboating robot, “we can’t just tell everyone about my Squip yet. It’ll ruin whatever plans it has for me.”

“Whatever plans your squid has for you, we can bedazzle ‘em with our own wacky decisions!” Bender did a sassy dance move, but paused suddenly with an offended look. “Ever get the feeling someone’s making some harsh calculations about you?  _ GYAUGH!”  _ He grasped his head in familiar pain and ran off to the back with loud whines. Fry looked at his Squip for answers; the Squip just shrugged.

“Can we save our pained groans for the actual mission?” Hermes asked, having just walked in. 

The bathroom door opened, and Bender kicked Zoidberg out. He then shut himself in, presumably to work off the headache. Zoidberg lifted his head and grinned at the influx of people. “Friends! You must see how beautiful the little whirlpool in the can looks today!”

“Maybe later,” Fry said. 

The Squip pointed at the bags.  _ “Deliver the social bribes.”  _ He stood behind a yawning Amy.  _ “Start with the young socialite.” _

Fry rustled through the bag and pulled out a chunk of plastic. “Here, Amy, I figured you might need one of these.”

“Oh!” Amy held her gift in glee. “A portable eyePhone charger! So I can work without ever looking away from my phone! It even matches my new shirt!” She opened her jacket again to show off. She then gave Fry a warm, platonic hug.

Leela, meanwhile, looked at the ground. Nibbler had started gnawing on her cheap stuffed pig. She wrestled it away while her sorta-boyfriend gave away gifts like a looter after X-Mas. 

The next gift was for Farnsworth- a  _ pill _ ow, with an emphasis on the “pill.” It featured several little pockets and a couple of discrete mechanical arms. “Now even when you fall asleep, you won’t miss out on your life-saving medication.”

“Oh, finally! I keep forgetting my blood pressure medication!” The professor passed out on the pillow. A tiny metal arm reached out, took a pill out of one of its pockets, and popped it in his mouth. The arm scratched Farnsworth’s face a bit as it retracted, but disturbingly, he didn’t bleed at all.

The Squip lay down on the table and patted the professor, who of course couldn’t sense him at all.  _ “Poor old man. What good is brilliance if it’s being restricted by a sagging, half-functional bag of meat? He doesn’t even have fame or fortune to distract him from his mortality.”  _ Fry couldn’t disagree with that.

The next item in the bag was for Hermes. Fry pulled out another bag. “I got the feeling you might be hungry today.”

Hermes opened the bag and grinned at its contents. He pulled out a delicious manwich. “Finally, some good breakfast food! I’ve been starving like a green snake trapped on a high tree branch!” He took a big bite and threw the bag on the floor.

Zoidberg scrambled to slurp up Hermes’ leftover bag. “Hooray!” he said with a burp. “Delicious seasonings!”

Fry watched the Squip nudge Zoidberg with his ‘foot.’  _ How did you know Hermes was so hungry?  _ he thought.

_ “I analyzed his demeanor, posture, facial expression, and tone of voice, and calculated the most logical reasoning behind his current state of mind.”  _ It gestured to something on Hermes’ clothes that Fry could barely make out. _ “Based on the stains and wrinkles on his clothes, we can deduce he was up late last night, presumably doing work of a bureaucratic nature.”  _ It pointed to the side of Hermes’ pants.  _ “And there’s lint on his pants that can be attributed to Bachelor Brand Couch Covers. Likely where he slept last night. His voice sounded strained, as if he was yelling this morning, probably at his wife.”  _ The Squip stepped aside smugly as Hermes finished his food. _ “And his wife cooks breakfast, so clearly he had to skip out on that. And he was too worried about being on time to grab something himself.” _

Fry whistled audibly.  _ Wow. I wish I could afford a Bachelor Brand Couch Cover.  _

The Squip sighed at Fry’s inability to process its operating system.

The professor awoke at Fry’s whistle. “Whuh? Oh! Uh, thank you for your gifts, Fry.” Farnsworth tented his fingers eagerly. “If only there were a way to repay you.”

Fry shrugged. “I’m kind of craving pizza bagels. Though maybe without all the cheese and sauce.”

“So just bagels?” Hermes said.

“Yeah! If you-  _ AH!” _

The Squip had, of course, zapped him.  _ “Don’t waste this chance on smaller offers. Work up to a bigger offer. Namely, a raise in your salary.” _

_ Ohhh,  _ Fry thought. “Never mind, I’m good.”

“Not too good, I hope.” Hermes pulled out some paperwork from his pocket. “You still have that delivery to make to Vizzini 4.”

Leela jumped out of her seat, over the table, and took the paperwork. “I’ve got it. We can get there in the next hour.” She walked to the bathroom door and knocked loudly. “Bender, we have places to go. You can’t keep skipping out on work.”

“I can’t go! I’m in pain!” Bender cried.

Leela stared at the door, hands on her hips. “The last five times you said that, Scruffy said he saw you playing games, tap dancing, cooking a turkey-”

“This time I mean it!” Bender insisted. “Also, remind me to try and kill Scruffy later.”

Fed up, Leela kicked through the door, reached through and tried to drag Bender out. With no input from the Squip, Fry ran to grab her and help her pull. They successfully pulled Bender out, but Leela fell back onto Fry, who’d been a bit hypnotized by his hands on her hips. Everyone rubbed their heads in pain, including Bender. 

“Ow! That bathroom was the only place I felt s-s-safe, you ass-ass-assholes!” Bender shouted, his glitchy voice back in full swing. “Now my softwares all’ f-f-f-fizzled up again!”

“So you  _ weren’t  _ lying?” Leela tilted her head, disappointed in her failed intuition.

“No! S-s-something is messing up my s-s-s-signal, owww.” He rubbed his little antennae in sorrow.

“Yeah, he was like this yesterday, too, I think.” Fry affirmed.

“B-b-b-bold of you to act like you knew anything about my day yesterday, F-F-Fry,” Bender said, still clearly bitter about Fry’s apparent betrayal, as if he hadn’t flaked out on Fry several times before. 

Leela sighed. “If you are really are broken, then I guess you shouldn’t come with us. You’ll hurt yourself further, and probably hurt everyone else in the process.”

“Y-y-yeah, baby!” Bender pumped his fists up. “I’m a lia-liability!” He toppled over again in pain. 

Fry’s Squip nudged him once again.  _ “Remember our plan last night?”  _ It pointed Fry towards Amy, who was cleaning off the escape rocket while watching her eyePhone. Her hand kept slipping off the rocket due to her fractured focus. 

“Hey, Amy!” Fry called out. “Bender’s not feeling well, you wanna hop on this delivery with us?”

Amy tossed her cleaning rag behind. “Sure!” She walked over with a smile. “All I’ve been doing today is busy work. I’d like to actually see something new.”

Leela looked at Amy derisively, even though she wasn’t at fault for Bender’s hang-up. “Fine,” Leela said. “You can help with the heavy lifting. Just stay in your lane.” Amy nodded with enthusiasm.

“Don’t worry, Amy.” Fry put his hand on her shoulder. “You don’t need to stay in the lane. Leela’s the one flying the ship.” He felt a jolt go down his spine and tried to brush it off with a wince. 

Amy brushed off her shoulder where Fry’s hand at been. “Careful, Fry, you shocked me a little. Have you been rubbing balloons on yourself again?”

“Not today.” As Fry rubbed the back of his neck, he saw his Squip pop up behind Amy. It held its hands out in aggravated impatience.

_ “Get. Her. The. Goods.” _

_ You want her to carry all the goods into the ship?  _ Fry watched Amy begin to load the crates into the ship.  _ Because she is already ahead of me, so- _

_ “Get her a squip, you idiot.” _

_ Oh!  _ Fry picked up a crate and followed Amy into the ship. “Psst, Amy,” he whispered. “When we get to Vizzini 4, I want to show you this really cool thing I got…”


End file.
